THE CONVERSATION 2

Now here’s an interesting article from earlier this year (before the election);

"Cuts to EQC enable $372m surplus"

And here’s another interesting article more recently (AFTER the election);

"Government surplus in doubt"

Weeeellllllllll, who’d have thought THAT would happen!!? The finances return briefly to surplus before the election, but mysteriously drop when the right-wing hacks have bought and spun their way back into power? Gosh. Between elections, at the most serious, highest levels of government, I bet a conversation like this took place:

BILL: Hey John, the old finances are a bit up shit-creek.
JOHN: WHAT? What do you mean?!! We promised the proles a surplus by 2014!! Our whole bloody re-election might depend on it!
BILL: Yeah, but what we promise and what we can deliver are two different things.
JOHN: Pfff. [Rolls his eyes] Ain't that the truth? Well tell me, farm boy; what are the figures?
BILL: Well, we have a surplus of $372m.
JOHN: Fantastic! So, what’s the problem, bumpkin?
BILL: Well, we had to cut $200m from EQC to do it - God forbid that Christchurch find out about it! As well as that, you said we’d bail out AMI’s earthquake liability.  You said on Campbell Live, “We will not walk through this alone, Christchurch.”  
JOHN: Big deal. So What?
BILL: Umm…. AMI didn’t re-insure itself enough. The directors didn’t buy enough overseas cover for a major event like his.
JOHN: ** sigh ** So what? Get to the point, sheep shagger.
BILL: AMI’s earthquake liability is $500m. They’re bust, remember?
JOHN: So what? It’s clearly the shit part of the business. Separate off the broken part and screw the policy holders.
BILL: Weeeeellllll ….. we can’t do that, I think. We have thousands of Christchurch householders who would have their assets nullified as AMI policy holders. And Campbell Live would eat that lunch before we had pancakes.
JOHN:  Shit.
BILL: And .. . they’d tell all their friends around the country. Our ratings would sink from sympathy, and we’d never be re-elected.

JOHN: Bugger. Ok, what do you recommend?
BILL: No idea, I’m just used to dealing with sheep miscarriages and fences. Gosh, John, this is your specialty . . .
JOHN: Hmmm. Ok, I’ve an idea. How’s this? We break up AMI. We set up a separate company from the broken bit of the AMI debacle.

BILL: Do we sack the incompetent directors from AMI?
JOHN: Hell no, they’re our friends and potential National donors. No, let our mates have the good bits of AMI still, and we’ll manage the shit part somehow.
BILL: So how are we going to spin the debt and the break-off, and the failed business without hurting our corporate buddies?
JOHN: Hmm. Well, first of all, we call the failed-bit of AMI something friendly, like “Southern Response.” That’ll keep the Christchurch proles suckered into thinking we actually care about them, rather than the truth -  which is our wafer-thin surplus promise to the rest of the country. Next, we’ll hire some Aussie pitbull as Southern Response's Chief Executive to fuck-over policy holders who dare to ask for their entire policy entitlement.
BILL: Duh, how will that help?
JOHN: Hmm .? .. . hang on . . just looking for something [flick, flick, flick] . . .  GOT HIM! Peter Rose. Characterless, cold, numbers-robot. Perfect. We’ll remind him his SOLE responsibility is to the National Party - AH – Ahem – I mean, eh . . . to the TAXPAYER. Then we’ll let him off the leash.
BILL: SO, HOW DOES THAT SOLVE THE SURPLUS PROBLEM?!!!!! Oh gosh, I’m only a simple farmer, John! I only understand fly strike and lusty rams. I just can’t keep up with your sophisticated manipulation of metro politics!

JOHN:  Hah! And that, my friend, is exactly why a convicted goat-fucker wearing a blue rosette would be still elected in some of your farm-country provinces! Hang in there, sheep-shagger, and I’ll summerise:

• We have $372m surplus, but $500m AMI debt. 
• We’ll drip feed $100 each year to Southern Response to get Christchurch houses fixed. It’ll take 5 years for quake-stressed Christchurch residents to have their houses fixed, but our election promises and business buddies’ interest are much more important. 
• We can STILL spin that we’re helping Christchurch [**snigger**]

BILL: Duh, so, I can say we have a $372m surplus going into election year – even though we don’t, really?
JOHN: Yup.
BILL:  What about the $80b we have in accumulated debt since we got into power, because of loss of revenue from tax cuts to our rich buddies!!?
JOHN: Sssshhhhhhhh
BILL: Ok, wait.  So you’re saying, we have $80b accumulated debt, including $500m from our shite executive mates at AMI? We can manipulate a surplus only if we cut EQC’s money and limit the liability to Southern Response to only 20% this year. That means $372m surplus, with only $100 mill this year to Southern Response?!!
JOHN: Yup.
BILL: Whoof. That’s a big ask of Christchurch!
JOHN: They a Labour city or National City?
BILL:   What? Um . . Christchurch? Ehhhh . . this election or next election?
JOHN:  Any election.
BILL:   Umm, pretty much Labour every time.
JOHN:  Huh. Then, fuck ‘em.


FURTHER READING: 
* Government surplus on a knife edge
* Government says surplus on track despite treasury predictions 
* Southern response investments
* Accountant claims surplus result of clever accounting