HOW DO WE DEAL WITH BULLYING IN OUR SOCIETY? DAMN POORLY

This story infuriated me, it’s still on-going, and it prompted me to write one of my most extensive (that means long – sorry) blog entries. This is important for all of us and all our children, so please bear with me on this:

MORRINSVILLE GIRL BEATEN SENSELESS BY BULLIES
http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/4669216/Bashing-bully-girls-back-at-school

If you don’t want to read the news link, here are the article’s summarised facts:
• four girls from Morrinsville College, New Zealand, beat a peer so severely, the victim has a brain injury
• the police are “investigating the attack.” There are no reports of charges.
• the incident is almost an exact repeat of the victim’s beating in November 2010, where she was left with concussion
• the attackers were not expelled or even suspended – they were “stood down.”
• while the victim was in 24-hour care, the four bullies returned to school

So where were the real consequences for this unacceptable – and repeated – behaviour? The Principal, John Inger (pictured left), issued a woolly statement about the attackers incurring “various consequences.” Apart from his phrase, “various consequences,” the only specific punishment I could read was that the attackers were “stood down” – for a week. That’s a flaming holiday, for God’s sake. What about financial compensation, detention, community service, public apology, expulsion? Are those some of your “various consequences,” Mr Inger? Probably not. I look forward to reading about some real deterrence, Mr Inger. The TV media has asked some hard questions, but Mr Inger has given up trying to put his point across, because of the “hard time” he’s getting, trying to explain his point of view. Clearly, the coward hasn’t the strength of his convictions.



And that’s what this article is about. For New Zealand to deal with bullying, we have to have a lot of courage.

WHY IS BULLYING SO PROLIFIC?
The TV3 60 Minutes article on Mikayla Edwards’ assault tried to ask “why?” bullying happens and came up with some answers. The programme implicated that the parents of the bullies might have some responsibility here for the viciousness of their children, but that was never followed up by naming-and-shaming those parents. Frankly, the programme bottled out. Let me state what we all know; bullies have been bullied – usually at home. A specialist on teen girl violence, Dr Donna Swift (pictured right), hinted on the programme at accountability and reasons (the parents!). However, she came up with few solutions on how to break the cycle of violence. So why is New Zealand among the worst in the world for school bullying? I’ve no idea. However, I’d like to put it to you that if New Zealand has a poor record for bullying at school, it doesn’t end just because those bullies leave school. It’s clear we have a real bullying problem in our New Zealand society at large.

I’d like to put it to you that bullying might be part of our instinctual make-up. Darwinians might say that bullying occurs in the animal kingdom, and everything we do in our society has some parallel in the animal world. This is true. And, Darwinians could argue that bullying is designed to weed out the weaklings in the world, or make them tougher – so they contribute to our society in some way. That contribution might be; by the victims toughening up, or by the victims just fading away. If we start to believe that, we start to accept that it is simply part of nature’s life. And, if we accept that, bullying continues. And that is totally unacceptable.

This is where we humans are supposed to be different, aren’t we? We have moved beyond “beast” to where we live in a supposedly civilised society. That means, whilst we still have those animal instincts, we socialise-out that behaviour in place of a collective-good: a civilisation. This civilisation is governed by rules – and law. Those people who administer those rules, therefore, have a duty to protect us, if we are thereby to live by those rules. For example, I can’t pick-axe a bully’s head as a reaction to bullying – I’ll be punished. So society’s governors have an obligation to both protect us and administer the consequences to those who would harm us. So (God forbid!) when society’s rules are broken, there are specific, explicit consequences which act as a deterrent. You’d think.

INEFFECTUAL – THE INDOLENCE AND SHAME OF OUR PROTECTORS
In that light, let’s look at some of the statements coming from the Morrinsville school. Tell me if you think there’s something wrong here:
• The bullies were “stood down” - for a week. Remember, this is a repeat attack.
• The Morrinsville College principle Mr Inger said the girls would "almost certainly [not definitely!!] be looking for a different school" if they did something like this again. Remember, this is already a repeat attack
• Victoria McAuley stood up in front of her Year 9 peers during an assembly yesterday and told them "bullying and violence is not acceptable no matter what the reason". Remember, this is already a repeat attack
• Morrinsville College deputy principal Murray Feast said the girls would not have been allowed to return to school if school management did not think it was safe. Remember, this is already a repeat attack
• Mr Feast said, “Morrinsville College is actually addressing the problem really well." Remember, this is already a repeat attack

How many times do we hear these phrases (below), in respect of bullying:

• “Just walk away, move away”
• “Just try and keep away from these people”
• “Just try and ignore it.”

We heard all three from our Community Constable and all three from our school principal. “Just.” That’s one of those words that completely trivialises and minimises an issue. And, these three phrases are so easily uttered by those who are strong, balanced, have power, or who’ve never experienced bullying. So, by definition, they simply don’t understand the victims’ point-of-view.

The add-on words I often hear, to the phrase “Try and ignore it” are, “the bully will grow tired of it.” Well, that’s bollocks – and I’ll qualify that.

CURRENT STRATEGIES ARE SIMPLY NOT WORKING - SOME PROOF
The strategies above may be true for some, but I’ve two examples that say otherwise. The son of a man I know was bullied almost all through primary years. His dad taught him to ignore it, and the son coped well. He told me that “the bullies soon get tired of it.” But then he admitted his son still got chipped by the same bully at high school!! For years. So, this story – with countless others - tells us that this society expects us to address our own reaction to the bully, not shut down the bully himself!

Well, I think that’s bloody wrong.

The second example is our own. We incurred the wrath of our next-door neighbour. After a year of physical and verbal abuse, we had to take her to court under the New Zealand Harassment Act 1997. Judge Michael Crosbie issued a half-assed Judgement-of-Solomon, whereby we did secure a year’s Restraining Order – but we had to accept a Restraining Order back. Through the resulting uncertainty of the year of that Order and beyond, the bully slowly learned what she could get away with. When we tried to bring the case to a conclusion, the judge couldn’t be bothered, instructing us to mediate with a bully who had been given no consequence by the judge to go to mediation. Not suprisingly, she rejected mediation, and we'd run out of money to go back to court. You see, “the judge threw out” the case [bully’s husband’s words!]. It was true that the judge washed his hands of it. So the needle continues. Four years of bullying, and she hasn’t “grown tired of it.”

The other moral of these two examples, is that society treats bullying as always the victims’ problem. When we went to counselling, the help is ONLY centred on the premise that being bullied is our problem!!! We have to change our reaction to the bullying, you see, not actually stop the bullying. Throughout our harassment case, neither the police, lawyers, judiciary, nor school was able to offer any leadership on how to shut the bully down. And that is exactly how the whole issue of bullying is treated at every level of our society. The emphasis is not on consequences or punishment, but on how the victim has somehow allowed this to happen by his/her reaction to the bullying. By that logic, murder, rape and burglary are the victims’ own fault. And I can tell you, there have been a few public figures that have slipped up by admitting that little number!

The phrases we often hear, the three I listed above, are so easy to blurt out. And they’re a cop-out by our protectors. However, for the vulnerable people under siege and attack, they are an alien language. Is that really the best our protectors are able to do? So it would seem. As the 60 Minutes article suggested, bullying is endemic in our society. However, in terms of our actually dealing with it, bullying is in the “Too Hard” basket. How do politicians and the police show “Reduction in bullying”? The Harassment Act 1997 was designed to help, but it’s an expensive option for victims. In addition, even after 14 years of the Act, lawyers still say that the area of harassment is “an evolving law.” One area of its evolution is that judges don’t trust the very people who bring actions – judges fear the restraining order will be abused. Judges don’t trust victims, you see. The police can’t do much unless there’s an actual criminal law broken, which clever bullies won’t do. And, actually, the police don’t really want to get in involved: their empathy has been de-sensitised, and harassment disputes are exceptionally time-consuming.

Dealing with society’s bullies is too hard, too expensive, for seemingly too-little return. Politicians won’t deal with it effectively – because there’s not enough glory or publicity. Now, the schools. Ah, not much better. Like the police and judiciary, they simply don’t want to get involved. Perhaps they’re haemorrhaged by the workload or by inadequate guidelines from the respective Ministry, but they’re certainly not dealing with the problem where it first enters the public arena – the school.

OUR OWN RECENT EXPERIENCE – WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?
Here’s one of our own most recent incidents. I want you to read this, thinking “How would I have reacted to the bully in this situation – what would I have done?” In the school playground, shortly after school finishes, the bully’s 6-year-old son stamps my 6-year-old, as he tries to climb a ladder. My 4-year-old tries to intervene (bless him) shouting, “Stop, that’s my brother!” The bully’s 10-year-old takes out the legs from my 4-year-old. When I went up to the mother (the bully) and asked what she was going to do about it, she laughed in my face. I told her that whatever she did to me or my family, she was still a sad, cowardly hyena. I looked around for help, and another teacher flippantly told me I should “walk away – just walk away.” So what would you have done?

I went to the principal for recompense and asked him to confirm his no-tolerance of bullying. He said he’d have to have “pretty damn good evidence” before he’d issue a trespass order. So I write to him to get him to put his talk on paper – I asked what evidence he would need before a trespass order was issued. I never had a reply to that letter, but was told he “preferred to talk about it instead.” Then there was another incident. It, too, was dealt with ineffectually. After writing to him a second time and pressing for a reply, I received a short one-paragraph email that still didn’t answer all my questions. I still don’t know what proof I could gather (in terms of my family being bullied in school grounds) before there would be a trespass order on the bully – the mother. So, the bully was not punished or deterred for the future. Telling me to “walk away,” is not a deterrent to the bully – far from it. In fact, it only serves to make the bully braver and vindicates her behaviour. So, it was no surprise that there was a repeat incident a month later.

BULLYING IS TOLERATED AND IS ACCEPTED
Bullying is tolerated and is accepted, because it is often so difficult to prove that it happens, so its difficult to deter. It’s difficult to prove the effect of bullying, or it’s difficult to capture evidence of it over a sustained period. Clever bullies will say “I deny it – where’s your evidence?” We had to use audio recordings, doctors’ letters and therapists’ letters to prove our harassment case in court, with little result. We distressingly bared our soles to the court, with our attacker present, with little result.

Back to our school. I challenged our principal’s policy on “No Tolerance to Bullying.” He said, “I’m not going to suspend a boy for calling your son a ‘fat-boy’.” And he’s right, although he chose to take that ONE comment out of context, and trivialise what my son is going through. However, the Morrinsville case has shown that it’s likely that even if the bully and three of his mates concussed my son, the bully might not even be suspended! I told our principal, I never wanted to hear his “No Tolerance to Bullying” phrase ever again. However, his answer to my complaints is endemic of schools’ continued inability to deal with the problem, and society’s continued inability to deal with the problem. So, where’s our principal’s answer on behalf of the school, when that same nasty-piece-of-work continues to chip away at my son again, and again, and again? We all know the basics of psychology: you repeat a statement often enough and it is believed - taken on board. A parent calls his son “useless” and that son takes it on and will feel useless. In the same vein, my son is being affected by this over a sustained period. I’m not the only parent of a school kid with this heart-rending problem. The mother in Morrinsville has it much worse than I.

After our incident in the playground, I wanted to beat the living crap out of that smug, mocking bully. The cold, calculating intelligence of the woman was frightening. She wanted to provoke a violent reaction from me – perhaps towards her children. She knew damn well that a physical retaliation – which she deserved – would be severely punished by our so-called protectors. The provocation is often completely ignored in these circumstances, isn’t it? What would you have done? As we all know, we’re not allowed to retaliate. Whilst the story in the link below is a bit of a popular fairy tale, we know damn well, how much more the retaliator is punished than the bullying initiator:
http://www.stuff.co.nz/technology/digital-living/4780726/How-the-net-transformed-bullied-boy

WHAT’S THE SOLUTION? YOU WON’T LIKE IT
What made those children do that to my children? Who put them up to it? What makes school bullies? Clearly, we have to educate out the problem. We identify those bullies quickly, educate those children, so that even if there is violence or bullying at home, they go through the school system with help, understanding that bullying is completely unacceptable – every day if necessary. This is the way we break the cycle of bullying and violence. If the impetus to bully is coming from the parents, then we make the parents accountable. If consequences don’t work, then we keep hammering and hammering and hammering consequences into these parents until it does work – the bullying stops. The reality is that this expensive, long-term, and bloody hard work.

I listened to someone who told me that we will never educate-out or eliminate bullying (the Darwinian argument?). That may be, but I can’t accept it. I think it’s a matter of will. Currently the will is not there in our protectors; the judges, the police, the government, and even our headmasters. From those same people, who tell me about their “No Tolerance” policies to bullying I hear the phrases “walk away” and “ignore.” That’s hypocrisy, it doesn’t work and it’s not addressing the root problem. The victim at Morrinsville tried to walk away,” and the bullies kicked the toilet door down to get to her.

Even if strategies of “walk away” and “ignore” actually worked, it only moves the problem onto another victim. It puts up someone else, even weaker, to be bullied. And, it’s not dealing with the bullies’ issues. Is that our definition of a civilised society? Actually, it probably is, of the society we have now. How many times do we see in our lives, the problem being pushed aside rather than addressed at the root source? It doesn’t have to be this way. The root problem is not the victim, it’s the bully. So, the true solution is not to change the victim’s reaction, but stop the damn bully. However, the will isn’t there to do that.

Our protectors’ unwillingness and inability to deal to this problem is so frustrating, that it is maddening – literally. With our own experience, four years of tension took its effect. The fact that all these bullying incidents happen (and continue to happen) across New Zealand is because of a complete failure of leadership by those who are supposed to protect us. That failure of leadership is at every level of those who are supposed to show leadership in our society: the government, the schools, the police, and the judiciary. So what’s the solution? You won’t like it. For our protectors, it’s expensive, difficult and long-term (so they won’t like it either). Here are my summary thoughts:

1. Educate the bullies. Identify bullies, and have it hammered into them every damn day at school, that this is not socially acceptable, even if it’s part of their violent upbringing. Isolate the bullies in tight, disciplined, special classes if need be. Involve the parents in the communication, but not the decision-making process. Re-shape the school bullies.
2. Put Consequences in Place. For the school bullies and their parents. Not woolly stand downs, but real financial, community service and reduction-in-freedom consequences. There should be staged severe consequences that become even more severe with every incident. The consequences may have to be hard. Have the courage to kick them out. Have the courage to implement the consequences.
3. State Explicit Consequences. Educate the bullies, and their parents, to the fact that there will be FIRM, consequences for bullying. And if that’s ignored, carry them out. If that’s no good, escalate the severity of the consequences. Make the staged consequences of the behaviour explicit – have a contract if needs be. Keep the consequences coming, until the bullying stops. Again, involve the parents in the communication, but not the decision-making process.
4. Have the Will to Eliminate the Problem. Clearly, we do not, currently. If we baulk at the consequences, as did John Inger of Morrinsville, the problem will NOT go away. In fact, baulking at the consequences exacerbates the problem. If we do not have the courage to punish bullies severely, the problem will continue.

Only by courage in our civilised society, will we kill this problem. Hammer the bullies with consequences again, and again, and again until it stops. And, with our shouts of “Shame, coward!” at our ineffectual protectors, we can induce some progress.