THE CHRISTMAS DONKEY

Now here’s an interesting article;

"Keys wish Kiwis a happy Christmas" [New Zealand Herald, 22 Dec 2016]

I haven’t written a blog specifically on John Key yet – I mean, where do I start?  There's too much material!  But this nonsense is a doozy worth making the effort.

"I love Christmas; it's a time of family and friends, a little bit of downtime and to get that work-life balance back into perspective," he says.

This one sentence alone demonstrates how out-of-touch this donkey is with the lives of real New Zealanders.  For many of us, Christmas is a nightmare.  We dread mulling around the shops sweating it out with the rest of the frantic proles, trying to find Christmas presents that fit into our limited budget.  And that’s only AFTER we’ve sworn at the idiot who’s stolen our parking space.

I’m not saying that I wouldn’t LOVE for Christmas to be the same as DonKey’s vision.  But frankly, he and his government ain’t makin’ it happen.  For many of us, Christmas is an hour glass, running out of sand while we try do all the USUAL things in our lives -  AS WELL AS prepare for Christmas.  

For some reason,  I can’t see DonKey swearing as he has to face the Christmas rush AGAIN, when he’s remembered a last minute Christmas present. I can’t see DonKey having to argue with one of the proles, that have stolen HIS parking space that he was about to reverse into.  I can’t see DonKey worrying that the postage of a present abroad is going to root his budget.  I can’t see DonKey having to choose the cheaper present, because the dearer one would smash his VISA bill next month.  I can’t see DonKey cooking Christmas dinner – can you?  In fact, I can’t even see DonKey putting up his own Christmas tree - unless there's a news camera team present.

It’s obvious from his Christmas message that DonKey lives in another world.  I rather think that he only has to issue instructions to the people he pays – and they do it all for him.   I rather suspect that DonKey has so many people running around after him, that it’s clear he’s never even had to use a hammer in his life.  Unlike the rest of us, living in real New Zealand.

"John Key Hammer Fail" [TVNZ One News, March 2015]

"Nailed it! Not... John Key admits: 'I'm no handyman'" [NZ Herald, March 2015]

"Asked if he was a home handyman, Mr Key said no. "Bronagh [Mr Key's wife] gets a man in. Don't worry about that." 

I don't know about you, but in my 16 years in New Zealand, I have learned more about DIY than in the other 34 years of my life.  Why?  Because I've had to.  I can't afford to "get a man in" any time there's a nail that needs hammering.

It’s fair to say that his wealth solves most – if not all – his Christmas woes.  So, I can’t see DonKey worrying about much at all at this time of year – hence his Christmas message.  And because he doesn’t have these worries, he doesn’t understand that the rest of us - living in real New Zealand – often DREAD Christmas.  

Of course DonKey loves Christmas – he doesn’t have to do any of the work that we have to do, in the insane run-up to the Festive Season.  This is why the man who supposedly governs us shouldn’t BE governing us – he’s completely out of touch with the “real New Zealanders,” he thinks he knows.

For us “real New Zealanders,” Christmas is a frantic end to an exhausting year of fending off the wolves and trying to make ends meet.  We don’t have any “downtime.”  And we don’t have the luxury of being able to pay people to put up the Christmas tree, buy the presents on the shopping list or cook Christmas dinner.  For most of us, we have to do all these things ourselves.  For many of us – and I’m luckier than those further down the ladder  – DonKey’s message is a painful reminder that Christmas is actually a time of deadlines, stress and financial hardship

Yes, Christmas is great if you don’t have to worry about time or money.  How many of us living in real New Zealand are relieved of that burden?

DEAR APPLE, ITUNES IS SHITE

Now here’s an interesting article;

 

"Apple is now bigger than Microsoft and Google - Combined!" [Daily Mail, Feb 2012]

It prompted me to pour you another Cup of Vitriol - and write a letter.

Dear Steve, 

You’re shite.  Actually no; your iPhone’s shite.  Actually, that’ a bit harsh and unfair as well.  Sorry, pal, I’m a bit grumpy right now - you'll see why in a minute.  It’s actually your “iTunes” software that’s shite.  And that is a fair comment.

Actually, I do love my iPhone - but I want to load my own music onto it.  You won’t let me.  Well, you won’t let me load my music very easily (or even standard easily, for that matter!).  In fact you make it easier to go shopping for tracks I don’t need, rather than let me load my own music in, say, a couple of minutes.  You know, I have dozens of albums as MP3s or CDs.  So, call me Scottish and Old Fashioned, but I am NOT going to buy an album again through your shite software, when I already have it.  And, I was led to believe by your spin that your iTunes software was intuitive.  In fact, it’s as about as intuitive as astrophysics.  It may surprise you to learn that I'm not the only one who thinks this;

"Consumers Don't Dig Apple iTunes" [Helen Walters, Business Week, Jan 2010]

So, the reason I’m grumpy is that I’ve spent the last FOUR HOURS on your iTunes software trying to do what would have taken me FOUR MINUTES to do on my daughter’s Samsung Galaxy (Android) phone.  [** sigh **]  In fact the actual file transfer from Windows to Android would have taken longer than the act of moving it across.  With your iTunes, it’s the other way around!!  Figuring out how to copy music across with the right title and track order = 3 Hours 58 minutes.  Transfer time = 2 minutes.

Well there’s four hours of frustration I want to forget.  But I have to remember it, of course, for the next time I want to go through the same convoluted bollocks of loading one of MY albums from my Windows PC (yes, there are other computers out there, other than Macs) onto my iPhone.  

Look, I get that you want to make money from selling songs and albums from iTunes.  But haven’t you made enough?  Get over yourself and try to remember your customers, please.  You’re bigger than Microsoft and Google COMBINED.  And that’s a lot bigger than my little Godzone New Zealand (that’s a country, by the way; All Blacks, Peter Jackson?).  So couldn’t you use some of that money to hire a software developer with people skills?  I know they’re a rare - and thus, expensive - breed, but  it might be the only way to develop an INTUITIVE version of iTunes.  So before I go, here are some tips;

• Haven’t you heard of the “Help” feature in software?  It’s supposed to help frustrated, pissed off software users like me.  Menus are quite useful, as well.
• Haven’t you heard of “Drag n Drop”?  It a simple, easy way of moving large amounts of data from one place to another.  Like music.  To iPhones.
• Haven’t you heard that the masses don’t like paying for things twice?  Like, music?
• Haven’t you heard that iTunes is NOT the only place to buy music.  That’s true, that is – honest!
• Haven’t you heard that the proles already had music before iTunes?  The great unwashed are going to download free music and copy from their own CDs, no matter what the corporate music hacks say, what the TPPA tries to do, and what YOU try to prevent.  Accept it, move on.

Well, I hope that’s useful, Steve.  Even if you read this now, you probably won’t give a toss.  I guess the fact that you’re dead doesn’t help.  Couldn’t you have left “Sort out iTunes” in your enormous will?  I guess not.

Thanks for nothing, you egotistical spunk-up,

Regards withheld, A Cup of Vitriol.

TECHNOLOGY DOWN OUR CHILDREN'S THROATS

Now here's an interesting article:

"Are New Technologies Time-Wasters?"

I'm setting up my son's email account, for my son's phone, as he looks to head off to Intermediate School next year.  I had forgotten what a convoluted, unnecessarily complicated bollocks it was.  I had almost forgotten . . .  [flashback, shimmering scene change, Twilight Zone music . . .] 

A couple of years ago, my wife and I were going to buy our wee girl (then almost 11) a mobile phone for Christmas.  She was going to have a 30 minute bus ride to/from her intermediate school, so we agreed that a mobile phone with some games would be an entertainment tool as well as an emergency contact device for our daughter - especially in light of the Christchurch quakes.  We thought it might be complicated, but we had absolutely no idea ….

2-Degrees is the newbie mobile provider, here in New Zealand.  We were very clear to the 2-Degrees shop in Christchurch The Palms; we were buying this for our 10 year old daughter, going to intermediate next year.  We knew she wanted games, but there was no way we were giving her unfettered access to the internet!  Sadly, it seems, the basic mobile phones have games no longer!  Gone are the days when the Nokia brick had some fun, clever, basic, and PLAYABLE games.

The solution seemed to pull us – inexorably and reluctantly – down the “smartphone” route.

Oh but wait.  The Samsung Smartphone we looked at needed an email address.  The Android operating system by Google (the mobile’s version of Windows) needs an email address, you see.  And not just any email address – it has to be a Gmail account from Google.  However, we were told, as long as we didn’t link our VISA card to that email address, our daughter could download free games.  But she needed that email address .  . . 

There we were at Boxing Day, like many of you will be in 6 weeks time.  We had the phone charged, and we now set up a Gmail address.  I typed in our daughter’s name, password and phone number ….  And we’re told she is too young to have a Google Account.   Now that I had linked my daughter’s format to her phone number, Google will always tell me that she is too young for the account.  Because I have been honest and entered her details correctly, I have lost that email address for her for the next three years – and possibly forever.  Had I been dishonest and entered false details, I wouldn’t need to be moaning about it to you now.  A sad indictment on our lives today, don’t you think?

Is there a “Contact Us” feature in Google to seek advice?  Couldn’t see it.  Is there a Google phone number to phone for help?  Not on your life.  The media seem to be able to contact Google at the drop of a hat for comment, but when users of Google – the very people who keep Google alive – want help – well, we can whistle Dixie. 

I guess what was frustrating and disappointing about our experience – even before we tried to set up the phone – is how these things are sold to us.  When we explained to the 2-Degrees shop in the Palms, that we wanted a smartphone but no internet, we were actually laughed at (albeit with a degree of restraint).  We explained we wanted an Android phone, but we wanted to restrict our daughter’s internet access.  Again this was greeted with denigrating mirth:

Salesman: “Why would you have a smartphone and not use the internet? [snigger]”

Me: “Oh, I don’t know – perhaps because we want the games, but don’t want her delving into the darker depths of the worldwide web, chatrooms, Facebook or worse - as she’s only frakking 10!!”

Were we being so unreasonable as to want a phone for our daughter, with games, but with limited internet access?  It would appear so.  The conversation continued:

Salesman: “What about using YOUR Gmail account?”

Me: “I am NOT letting my daughter – or the potential ratbag that might steal her phone – have access to my email.  And what was the point, anyway?  Because, if I download games for her, and she changes accounts when she comes of Google age, the games disappear with her account change.”

Salesman: “So, what about using your account to download games then log out rather than delete the account?”

Me: [Heavy sigh, knowing the answer to my next question] “OK.  Can you show me that you can log out of your Android phone?”

Not one salesperson could show us how to log out from a Google account on an Android phone.  Can’t be done. You can only DELETE your Google account.  You do that, and you lose all those games you have downloaded and may have paid for.  It’s really quite insidious, isn’t it?

As mother-in-law watched our Boxing Day frustration, she made an interesting comment: “Why don’t you get a simple phone - how long do phones last, after all?”  The throwaway phone: well, we were absolutely not going down that path!  That’s exactly what we are programmed to think by the marketing hype.  Capitalism DEPENDS on that mind set: that we will throw out the phone next year.  It’s typical of today’s disposable retail culture.  Gone are the days when toasters and other appliances lasted 10 years.

The marketeers of the corporations have won.  They have seduced you.

In conclusion, our experience with smartphones has highlighted a number of wrongs on so many levels, as we try to carve out "normal" lives for our children:

• Life is too complicated – made overly complicated by unnecessary technology shoved down our throats.  I think this complicated technology is getting out of control.
• Capitalism doesn’t want to hear about any problems – it just wants our money.
• The people who support this society (and that’s the idiots we vote for) don’t have the will or the way to change this for our betterment.  They are happy to tax, repress, silence and monitor us, but don’t want to give us a real voice for change when nonsense like this arises.  It’s simply too hard for them.
•  The idiots we vote for aren’t interested in hearing about this out-of-control technology – they just want our taxes and for us to spend our way out of recession on such technology, regardless of any personal credit issues.   
• Our government is happy for capitalism to bombard us with marketing messages pressuring us to buy the latest and greatest technology. 
• Why does a child want an (overpriced) iPhone?  Not because the child has any idea of why, but because the child has been bombarded (directly or indirectly) by sustained corporate marketing; so now all her friends have smart phones.
• Retail fast-moving technology – like the smartphone - is a very clever way to bring our children earlier, into this shallow, consumerist, disposable society.
• Fast moving technology has been the death of customer service.  When we are confused or can not use this complicated device, we have to pay someone for the privilege of the solution.   
• Despite the mass advertising of hi-tech devices, despite being marketed that these are absolutely essential technology, we are subsequently told, “If you can’t use it, you shouldn’t have bought it.”

THE JOYS OF THE CALL CENTRE HOLD

Now here’s an interesting link;

http://www.vodafone.co.nz/contact/

 

“We are here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to help answer your questions.

We have a large customer care team based across New Zealand and in the Philippines. Our team is representative of the many cultures that make up New Zealand.

At Vodafone, we are committed to providing the best customer service, and each team member is fully trained to help you with any questions you have about any of our products and services.”

Well, I phoned Vodafone today.  They are now my landline provider, having bought out Telstra Clear, here in New Zealand.  I wasn't getting a particularly good deal on my broadband package (IMHO), so I wanted to see what options are out there.

So I pressed "1, Sales Inquiry" rather than "2, Your Account."  Strangely enough, I got through to the sales department straight away.  But sadly, it was the wrong option; I needed to be put through to "Your Account."  Well, guess what I’m told by the automated message?  “There is a heavy load on our call centre, and there may be some wait.”  **  sigh  **   

I gave up after 10 minutes, when the speaker-phone function ran down my mobile battery.

So let me get this right, Vodafone:  if I’m not a customer, and want sales information to BECOME a Vodafone customer, I can talk to someone straight away.  If I’m ALREADY a Vodafone customer I have to WAIT to talk to someone.  So, logically, existing customers are less important to Vodafone than non-customers.  

So, before I join Vodafone, I’m prized and really precious.  I’m chased and pursued, like a fresh new girlfriend.  But once I’m hooked, once I’m in bed, I’m an inconvenience.  I become a nuisance; like an unwanted, old girlfriend or awkward one-night-stand.  You’ve got what you want from me.  So once I become a Vodafone customer, I have to wait in line at the call centre.

I have a friend who has a favourite phrase; “Capitalism loves consumers.”  My experience with Vodafone proves him wrong.  An American business consultant once said that call centres are employed by bad directors of bad companies, so they don’t have to speak to their disgruntled customers.  The Yank’s right; the corporations have won  . . .  **  heaviest sigh  **